i'm sick today

 

the fact that i am able to get up, get ready, take amazing photos, and then shuffle through the cold to get to my therapy appointment is beyond me but i am sick with a cold and never want to leave the warmth of my smoldering hot house again, sorry.

so to start, of course i cut my Deterioration shirt into a crop. surprise! even after all that personal turmoil from the Haggus shirt -.- lmao

I paired it with my holy grail pair of shorts I bought for cheap at Forever 21. They're black gingham with frilly pocket skirts and a zipper down the front. They're made from a soft stretchy cotton blend and are so so comfortable to wear, I don't think I've worn them less than twice on a weekly basis. The photo doesn't do the frilly part of the pocket any justice but it is so cute let me tell you. I also adore sewing my patches into pockets because I think it's always beneficial to have more than a few *visible* pockets.

because the snot running down my septum ring is giving me such a gnarly headache I am going to cut this blog entry as short as possible. I went on a shopping trip with my sister last week to Meadowood and bought a brand new (also my first) pair of Doc Martens. I had my eye on these for a while and once I realized they had them in a vegan selection I bought them. Then I had a tiny haul from Claires and bought tiny flower clips pictured below

 

and then because I wore this outfit to walk to my therapist's office and it's still freeeezing outside, I threw a hoodie over it with recent purchase patches from Retirement Fund.
I bought "meat is the bastard so don't eat it" and "ACAB: all catapillers are badass" (work appropriate *wink*)

well that's all i have today. my head is throbbing, i don't want to listen to music or hear any noise, not even the tapping of my fingers hitting my keyboard so goooodnight! 

it's 2 years from today, "Constant Headache" by Joyce Manor comes on. You're going to be okay, you >are< okay.

i've been thinking about blogging a lot this week. when i look back at the poems i've written on here or song lyrics i've shared that spoke to me at that place in time, i am always so happy that i posted it because: i like writing and i like sharing other written work when those words describe how i feel better than i can. but mostly i think writing and sharing songs or lyrics and even photos help me self care and practice anti-dissociative work. and this year is all about taking care of myself and learning how to do that and what it actually means to take care of yourself.

usually, i'd treat this blog as an imperative step to write with when i am anxious and i'm going to keep doing that, but i'm going to post a lot of photos ive taken and style inspirations. i'm taking a huge book on when i was 16-18 reading "style rookie" Tavi's blogger from when she was active. it's going to take me a while to figure out the outline and steps for every entry. but i want to use these entries as references to show my therapist when i need to remind myself how i felt during an experience.

so that's my introduction self-ish note. i expect myself to keep up with writing in this because of the reasons stated above. i expect myself to practice self acceptance and self growth from this blog and among other things. cool.

i'm posting this dated 3/11/18, but it's 3/12/18 for layout aesthetic reasons.

i want to create a space where no one is welcome but me
a space that nobody can take away from me and no one can penetrate
an intimate part of me that i don't share
a part of me that misses no one if they decide to not be there

i'm not going to worry about who is falling in love with you
whose love is going to grow in your heart
leaving little space for the what i offer
i'm not going to worry about falling short to the ones i love
who is making up for what i lack
no matter how i defend why i lack it

i'm going to make a space for myself to love myself
and it is not going to be shared with anyone

the memories resonate and i withdraw
to an insult unwithdrawn

i motion the process of function and resonate with dissonance
it's okay, we can still be friends plays

you have bigger things to stress about than me repeats
i have to reflect on what i actually seek
habitual skill of narcissism cycles when you're not wanted around
the skill it actually takes to admit defeat
and i don't have enough downers to get drunk tonight
it feels like unfinished business
a miscarriage and a half built home

a view from isle 4 to the register to an insult unwithdrawn
it really is okay, we can still be friends.

Dear everything.

Today I witnessed a crucifixion in pink and lavender and gold.

I've heard people say that beauty is in details,

but I don't think they have ever seen you.

There were mortal wounds inflicted on the sky

and incrminating blue stains on my shirt.

The shirt you bought for me.

Christ it hurts.

Like stars in my belly going supernova.

I feel like a zombie that refuses to live.

Haunting the junkyards and cutting myself on scraps of you.

The other day I masturbated to pictures of you at your birthday party.

They were the only ones I still had.

It felt so wrong, just like my life.

I hope I'm dead by the time you read this. I love you.

 my best friend is back in town. there's a bad taste in my mouth. her eyes fell low and heavy with shame and cum. she must have been desperate; she acted so lonely. she is deserving of affection, i am glad that she found love. what love lays bare in me is energy, so i give up that which keeps me going and i still end up lonely. sick with loss and shame so i edit for mistakes to determine what i'd done that made her act this way. she'll forget her actions. someday i'll forget her actions. ashes to ashes to ashes to ashes, we will all die someday. i am full of light. i am filled with joy. i am full of peace. i had this dream that i forgave my enemies.