i hate myself but i hate you more

I want to leave my body behind,
Laying there limp and passive.
I'm real, I'm fucking real.
My efforts are all half-hearted again and I don't want this. Not how I imagined my life to be;
I hate myself but I hate you more.
Disappear where it's hard to disappear, a row of metal doors.
It's all unreal and fucking meaningless.